Caleb: Don’t pick your tooth mama.
Me: I have something stuck in there I need to get out.
Caleb: The tooth fairy is gonna bring you a million dollars and then you can get new teeth!
(About Western State Hospital, a mental hospital in the area)
Caleb: Is Western State Hospital for the people with headaches?
(Looking at the water park rides)
Caleb: The bees are going to ride on the roller coasters and then the boy bees are going to wear their swim coats.
Caleb: Ohhh sweetie, it’s OK. Mama, I squished the bug. Aww, we need to get a new one.
Caleb: I like Jell-O. Is Jell-o wiggles in my tummy?
Caleb: When the bridge falls down it hurts the cars’ heads. We need a new car.
Caleb: A walking stick is a beetle, mama. I touched one. It needs to go home and fix its leg with a walking stick.
Me: Did you hurt it? Was it OK?
Caleb: No, it’s dead.
Caleb: I’m going to Western State Hospital when I have a headache. Did you know that? If I don’t wear my helmet, I hurt my head and go to Western State Hospital.
Caleb: Can I grow up?
Me: Why do you want to grow up?
Caleb: Cause I want to be a baby.
Caleb: I want to touch a crotchcoat with my hand. (cockroach)
(While tugging on my shirt)
Me: Caleb, stop. These are my boobies.
Caleb: But I was gonna wear those today!
Caleb: Mama, I’m high. You’re not high. You’re slow.
Caleb: When you don’t have a penis, then you can’t go pee.
Caleb: That’s a silly dog. I want that dog. Aunt Melissa could get me that dog. Don’t worry, it won’t bark.
Caleb: Can I go to school today?
Me: No, you can go on Monday.
Caleb: No! Not on Monday. On Twosday and Threesday!
Caleb: I need to get my own matercycle…
Caleb: What’s that?
Me: That’s called a cemetary.
Caleb: Is that were dogs play?
Me: No, that is where people go after they die.
Caleb: Remember when Aunt Melissa died today?
Caleb: Mama, you need to get it right pay the price.
Caleb: When there aren’t any roads, then you can’t drive a car anywhere.
(Playing his favorite game, Sneaky Snacky Squirrels)
Me: I can’t tell if I landed on the yellow or the storm (where you discard your pieces). I think it’s yellow.
Caleb: Mama, do we need to put the game away? You need to play it right. You got the storm!
Caleb: I wanna be a bee so I can make honey.
Caleb: Do the spiders make the webs with their baginas?
Caleb: Do I have a bagina?
Me: No. What do you think you have?
Caleb: A Penis. Do you have a penis?
Me: No, I have a vagina.
Caleb: You have a bagina and daddy has a bagina. Do you have a butt?
Me: Can I have a bite of your cookie?
Caleb: No, mama. Cookies are only for boys. Daddy can have a bite.
Caleb: We need to get a talk collar for Butters and Chloe so they can say “SQUIRREL!”
Caleb: Hey daddy, what are you doing?
Ty: Standing here watching Isla. What are you doing?
Caleb: nothing, being awesome.
Caleb: Hey, get out of here Walls (what he calls Isla). You are not the boss. We’re all the bosses and you’re a baby!
(Driving by a convertible Volkswagen Beetle)
Caleb: That looks like a happy car!
(Fighting bed time)
Caleb: My pillow is too hot. Me bed is too hot. My bed is too comfy. Is your bed comfy? Oh. I know! Let’s go see for a little bit.
Me: Caleb, please don’t kick your sister.
Caleb: I’m not; I’m just tickling her with my feet.
(Building a fort on the couch)
Caleb: This is my bagina. I live in it. I sleep in it. You can go inside of it and see what’s in there…I might be too big to go in baginas. Mommy, don’t ruin my bagina. I don’t want you to break it.
(Pointing at the building I work in)
Caleb: Is that a mommy school? Does it have mommy slides and mommy swings?
Caleb: Hmm, maybe Bubby and Chloe need to go to Starbucks and get cake pops. I think they’ll like it.
Me; What do you want to do when you grow up?
Caleb: I don’t want a job! I just want $5.
Me: What about a teacher or an artist or a doctor or a veterinarian?
Caleb: I can’t be a doctor. I’m sorry. You can go to the doctor but I can’t be one. I can’t build a bridge, I can only cross one.
Me: You could build a bridge like an engineer.
Caleb: I’m gonna work at a construction site and I’m gonna build a bridge. I can’t be a four construction sites, OK?
Me: Caleb, do you think you’re a boy or a girl?
Caleb: I’m just a boy. And a human.
Caleb: I want a new baby.
Me: Well, good luck. Where do you think this new baby will come from?
Caleb: From your bagina. It’ll be my baby though.
Me: Caleb, can you throw this diaper away?
Caleb: Sissy’s diaper smells like green noodles.