Caleb: I didn’t hit any kids at school!
Me: That makes me really happy!
Caleb: That makes me really happy too!
Caleb: I’m going to the zoo. I’m going to see dragons and wizards.
Me: Did you have fun at school today?
Caleb: No, I not gonna go to school. I go to hospital.
Me: With who!?
Caleb: I play hide and seek hospital with Avery.
Me: Caleb, what color is this?
Caleb: It’s lemon. (lemon=yellow).
Caleb: Mama! Get on the sidewalk! A car is gonna get us and then you’ll go to the hospital.
Caleb: I want a cookie from Santa.
Me: Well, you are actually supposed to leave a cookie for Santa so he will leave you presents.
Caleb: I don’t want to give Santa cookies. I want him to make me cookies.
Caleb: Hey Dad, are you a boy?
Tyler: Yes, I’m a boy.
Caleb: I’m a boy. Is mommy a grill? Is baby Iwah a grill?(Visiting Santa)
Santa: What would you like this year for Christmas?
Caleb: I want a cuckoo clock, a lollipop, tootsie rolls, and an axe, and an arrow.
Caleb: Hey mama, do you have a bagina? And I have a penis? Does [Nanny] have a bagina? What’s she gonna name it?
(I overheard this while standing on our stairs with Isla while Caleb was eating a snack)
Caleb: CHLOE! Goddamnit! You ate my food!!! Go to bed. Bad dog!
Caleb: MAMA STOP THE CAR!!!!
Me: Caleb, what’s the matter!?
Caleb: I see Starbucks!
(I sneaked in to give Isla a bath while Caleb was eating. He came upstairs and saw us in the bathroom and melted into the ground into a tantrum)
Caleb: But I need to take a bath with Walls. Noooo. (He calls her Walls)
Caleb: HAHA! That hippo has a crab on her vagina!
Caleb: What are you doing here mama?
Me: I live here.
Caleb: No you don’t. You live in another house somewhere.
Me: What are you guys doing in here?
Caleb: Mommy, you shut up. Daddy is fixing iPad.
Caleb: I want sushi and milk for breakfast today.
(We had to put eye drops in Caleb’s eyes and he got use to us bribing him)
Caleb: I dont want jelly beans, I dont want marshmallows or chocolate. I’m fine with water!
(Being a massive turd in the car)
Tyler: You need to be nice, Caleb.
Caleb: You shut up Dad.
Me: Caleb, you do not talk to your dad like that.
Caleb: I NEED TO!
Me: Caleb, don’t talk to me that way!
Caleb: YOU don’t talk to ME that way!
Me: We are your parents so we are technically your boss and you need to listen.
Caleb: No, you’re the boss!Caleb: Can I go there when I was older?
Me: No, that’s daycare for babies. You are too old to go there.
Caleb: But I’m a boy!
Caleb: When I don’t brush my teeth I’ll get cavities. And then my teeth with turn black and fall out and then I’ll have to eat baby food.
(While listening to the Seahawks game on the radio with Dad)
Caleb: Can we go to that?
Ty: Maybe next year we can go to a game if we can find tickets?
Caleb: No. That’s money down the drain.