Last week was a week of ups and downs: Up: I found out I was pregnant. Down: I had an early miscarriage.
July was the month we decided to start “trying” for baby #2. Since it took four months to get pregnant with Caleb, I thought we could start in July and hope to be pregnant by October. We weren’t officially trying this month, it was just a “let’s just go with the flow” kind of thing. We only had sex once during what would be considered my “fertile period” so it seemed pretty darn unlikely. I spotted for 8 days before my period was due. I felt like my period was coming. I promise this will be TMI for some of you but, I swear I was starting my period. I even put a tampon in and when I went to change it, there was barely anything there. Weird. Not normal for me.
But I had a feeling so I took a test. The night before I even told Ty “I think I need to take a pregnancy test because something is off”. It was faintly positive. The next day it was faintly positive as well- not much darker at all. I decided to take a digital test and it said “not pregnant”. With Caleb, I only spotted for 4 days and that was after I got my first positive test. So, I was a little worried. I know people say every pregnancy is different but all I have to compare to is my pregnancy with Caleb. With him, I had a dark positive test 3 days before my period was due. I knew I was pregnant with him. So, having a positive be so faint three days after a missed period worried me.
I called my doctor and went in for a blood test. (I have to get blood tests every time I get pregnant due to my low progesterone with Caleb, so I have to have my progesterone monitored). She asked me a lot about the spotting. What color was it, did it vary, how long was the spotting, when did it happen? It made me nervous. I did spot for 4 days with Caleb but it was during implantation time (I was fervently temping then) so I knew it was normal- the spotting this time made me cautious. Ty was also cautious. I know I’ve mentioned before about his intuition and he’s usually right. He told me he felt like this wasn’t going to happen. I continued to have cramps as though my period was about to come. Every time I went to the bathroom, I expected to see blood. Nothing. After 3 positive tests, my doctor called with results: my HCG was only 6. They consider anything under 5 to be “not pregnant”. She said I needed to come back in the next week to make sure my HCG level went negative. She also told me I would start bleeding and that it was a very early miscarriage.
Was I sad? That is a stupid question. I was fine until after the doctor called. Then I was sad. Part of me felt like I couldn’t be sad; like I didn’t have the right to be sad because it was so early but I was. I just wanted my period to start so I could be done with the whole thing. I am thankful it was an early miscarriage rather than a later one, but I still had that feeling of failure and I was sad. Of course I know these things happen mainly due to chromosomal abnormalities so it is nature’s way of fixing things early on- but it still hurt.
We had already planned a trip to the ocean with our friends and it was actually great timing because it got my mind off of things. Of course, once we got to the beach and were gallivanting around my period started. Whomp whomp. So where are we now? I just had another blood draw today. The doctor thinks everything will be fine but from here on out I will have to get blood draws anytime I get a positive pregnancy test. So for now, we’re off and running.
(I debated whether or not to write this post, but I feel better now that it is complete)