Dealing with Loss

One month ago my grandmother passed away. I wasn’t really able to talk about it before but I feel better talking about it now. The last time I talked to my gma she watched Caleb’s videos on Facebook. She laughed and said she couldn’t wait to meet him. My grandparents were planning to come to Seattle in September for our wedding. I’m sad she never got to see Caleb in this life, but I like that she got to see his videos and I know she can see him as much as she wants now. Don’t worry, I won’t got into a heaven/hell, life/death, religion/faith diatribe. What I will say is that I have never followed any sort of organized religion. I absolutely believe in a higher power but I don’t believe in one religion’s idea of a higher power over another religion’s. I just believe there has to be more than this.

It all made sense when I viewed my grandmother’s body. Of course I was emotional. I wasn’t emotionally tied to her body though. I looked at her and while it looked like her body- it wasn’t her. As I stared at her I could hear all of the times she would excitedly say, “Hi Foo Foo!” (my nickname) to me over and over. It was all I could hear in that moment. I knew then that her body was just a vessel. I knew then that she was in a better place. A week before my gma died, I had a dream that my mom called me and told me she passed away. I didn’t think anything of my dream and I thought it was just anxiety related because I knew my gma was having surgery. The morning my grandma passed away, I woke up early because Caleb was sick. When I saw that I missed a call from my mom I got the shakes. I knew something happened. When my mom told me I didn’t even cry, I just said “I knew it”. I’m sure it seemed really insensitive but I did know it was going to happen. Since then I have dreamed often of my grandma. Most of them are of her laughing and telling jokes- she had the best laugh ever (and an insane sense of humor).

I hadn’t seen my grandparents in about 7 years. Such a long time. While I wasn’t near them physically, I was always near them emotionally. There were times when we went 3 months without talking but whenever we talked we always laughed and talked about great things. My sister and I lived with my grandparents for a while when were kids so it’s not far off to say that they were like parents to us. They always thought of us as their children and my grandma always made sure to tell us how much we meant to her. They always made a point to tell us how proud of us they are and my grandma was always interested in knowing what we were up to.

Since her passing there has been a lot of family drama and I had hoped that it would all subside but it seems that isn’t the case. I’ve heard from many people that some families fall apart after the “foundation of the family” passes away- my grandmother was that foundation. Sadly, I have to admit that my family has been falling apart for some time. The one thing my grandmother was worried about (some of my family “forgetting my grandfather”) has already happened.  But what’s worse is that the 3 months before my grandmother died, a couple of my family members refused to speak with her or see her over a petty argument (this has happened on and off for decades). These are the same people who have chosen to disown my grandfather. I know they are sad they never resolved their issues before my grandmother passed but it is sad they are taking it out on my grandfather and other family members when they should be working on  those issues within themselves. It seems they have replaced their sadness with anger and I hope they are able to heal in time.

I wasn’t planning on part of my Journey to Thirty being dedicated to the loss of my grandma but it has been. I know all journeys have an ending at some point and I like to think that my grandma’s journey in this life ended so that she could begin a better journey somewhere else. I am sad my grandma is gone but I am happy that she is no longer in pain. She lived in pain for over 40 years and I feel such happiness knowing that she passed away peacefully at home next to my grandfather- the person she loved more than anything.

One thought on “Dealing with Loss

  1. Beautiful tribute to your grandma. She sounds like a wonderful woman and example to you. It is always sad when grandparents die. You know it is going to happen someday but it doesn’t make it any easier to know they are not just a phone call away.

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