Yes, this is what I am craving for dinner.
Not really, but sort of. I never wanted children. Ever. Honestly. I use to watch 6 kids in high school and through college and man was it crazy! I found myself overwhelmed but I always went back because they always made me laugh. I realize now that I was pretty awesome at it. I showed them how to make crafts, taught them basic French, told them kid jokes and reminded them to wake me up when I fell asleep. That is how good I was! They did make me crazy though.
I remember one time trying to bathe 4 of the kids and shouting “I am having a nervous breakdown!” The middle boy asked me “What is a nervous breakdown?” I replied, “Ask your mother, she knows”. I thought that if the desire for children ever popped up I would think of them and change my mind. Pssh.
Something happened when I turned 27. I refuse to call it my “biological clock” because that compares my uterus to an electronic that needs batteries to operate- which it doesn’t, thank you very much. I started to want a family. I like the idea of little “manfriends” running around, if only because he was the cutest kid on the planet and I wouldn’t mind looking at mini versions of him forever! I wouldn’t say I am desperate to have a baby but in a way I am, because I do have a timeline…
As a college professor who is not tenured, I am left with 3 months in which I can “deliver”. Can you guess those months? Yes, summer. You’re good at this. What that means: I could forgo my timeline but I am at risk of losing my position because if I “deliver” at a time outside of summer, someone else would need to teach my courses, which means I could lose my job completely. Make sense? I love my job. Who gets to say that? I mean- I love it for reals. Before this teaching “gig” I decided that I would take a whole year off once I had a child, but not anymore. I am fine with only 2 months off now because my job is not meaningless to me anymore.
Back to the point: I never thought I would be the “blogging” type but I especially never thought I would be the “baby makin” type! I am a researcher by heart which means information is to me what plankton is to whales (that could be an SAT question). That being said, I have read and read and read information on “baby makin” and I always thought I knew enough. Boy was I wrong.
Last weekend I thought I was pregnant. Legitimately. I felt like I was pregnant; I just had a weird feeling and felt like I was floating. Two days later I started my period which concluded what I already knew: my luteal phase is only 9 days and most doctors want it to be at least 12. Now, 9 isn’t bad and vitamins can boost it over time usually, but when you have a timeline, 9 is like 2. It sucked and I feel deflated but the upside was that I had the best massage of my life because of it! During my massage last week I thought of acupuncture. I don’t know why but it just came to me. I went home and researched acupuncture and fertility (of course I did) and was amazed at how popular acupuncture is for fertility. I go in this Friday for my first session.
I will be the first to tell you that my partner is not a planner so we are polar opposites in that arena and when I told him I was ready for “baby makin” I am certain he panicked because he knew it would evolve into a “plan”… because that is how I operate. I fought the planning aspect of who I am for him only to be forced to plan because of my situation. What began as “if it happens, it happens” has turned into “I hope it happens now”.
The point is this: sometimes we think we have our “Journey to Thirty” clearly mapped out only to find that the map is out of date and you need to make a new one. I never thought I would want a baby. Ever. I guess that part of my “journey” was a dirt road and has only recently been paved and placed on my map.